16 Jun Summer Transitions
by Joanne Haas, MA, LCSW
At this time of year, families are negotiating multiple transitions. In my work with families and teenagers, graduation from High School and the transition to whatever is next seems to stand out as a remarkable and unique moment in everyone’s life. It is one of the most important developmental milestones a young person goes through, and no less intense for their parents and families. Whether your “one and only” is leaving, you first or your last, it is a change to be reckoned with and deserves some special time and attention.
For the young person him or herself, this period is filled with excitement and anxiety. Some young people may be more overtly nervous than others. In my experience, no matter how excited a young person may be to leave home and go to college, they can ALSO be quite anxious and sometimes overwhelmed about all that they will be leaving behind and the prospect of having to make their way in a “new world”.
Their focus is on spending time with their friends, their peer group. This serves to consolidate connections and friendships, and create a stable sense of themselves. While feeling partially independent and separated from their families, they are at the same time, overwhelmed by the enormous transition they are about to begin. If parents and family feels left out, it may be in the service of a “greater good” and an important part of their child’s healthy separation process.
So, on to the parents!
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Parents experience a range of emotions and intensity during this period of transition. In fact, this is just another “phase of life” we observe and share with our children, as they struggle to feel competently separated – just BIG one! Some parents find themselves looking forward to more time for themselves, to do things they haven’t had time for and to travel. Others feel sad and a bit nervous about how they will fill their time now that the job of parenting is less demanding on a day-to-day basis. Parent’s desire to be with their child during this transitional-summer may conflict with the child’s desire to spend time with their friends.
I encourage parents to think about how they want to mark this last summer together, and plan in advance with your children. Look for ways to meet everyone’s needs as much as possible. Don’t be surprised if you get some push back to that 2-weeks of “family time” you had your heart set on. Remember, this summer is all about your child getting ready to go! They may be loath to sacrifice their “last summer with friends”, where they are practicing being without you!
Turn to your spouse or partner, as well as to your fellow parents, who are going through the same thing, to sort through your feelings and coping strategies.
Don’t forget that your children ALWAYS need loving and supportive parents, they just need them in different ways throughout their journey toward adulthood. Fear not! You will adjust to this new parental role just as you have in the past: from the breast or bottle to a cup, to that first day of pre-school, to their first sleep-over or summer camp, to not knowing exactly where they are when they go out at night, to this BIG letting go.
Parenting an adolescent in to young adulthood requires loving patience, being PRESENT, available and tolerant, and keeping that shoulder ready for whatever tears or need for support may come.